I love horror films. Most people love horror films. Horror films bring you closer together if you watch them with people, and release the same happy hormones; endorphins, as sex, chocolate and exercise.
With most horror films, you know what you are in for, most follow a story of happiness, then something goes wrong and a hero steps forward.
Step forward good looking man, who women drop their knickers for... Or step forward an average looking ginger man who has never fought in his life. Some horrors do not always follow this routine, and this list is of some of my personal favourites.
Yes, little old lady, even you could save the world from a zombie attack!
Oh, and did I mention this list would be riddled with spoilers? No, well now you know.
From Dusk Till Dawn is a brilliant classic of a film and a film that mixes horror with some type of thriller/crime genre. It also stars two, maybe one and a half actually, of the most unlikely heroes ever and their little sidekicks. During From Dusk Till Dawn, Richard and Seth Gecko take a family of three hostage to try and head to Mexico, only to be met by a bunch of vampires. Then follows the criminals becoming the heroes and actually helping the hostages, and not in a “I'll need you for later” sort of way..
The Gecko Brothers, mainly Seth as Richie has been bitten half way through the film, end up saving the whole day with the help of their hostages, who'd have thunk! And who says people can't change, and that George Clooney is ugly? Exactly, no one.
Now, I know there were technically two heroes in this film, but this countdown is about unlikely ones, and one of the last characters is very likely. A group of friends go and stay in a little cabin in the woods, nothing ever happens in them, and after a lot of dramatic things happen, the group is cut down to just two at the end as the credits roll.
Now, I know what you're saying, as I mentioned above this ends with two survivors and this one only mentions one. Well, Dana and Marty are the survivors in this film, but Dana is the virgin of the group, (turns out she isn't, but for some reason counts as one compared to the rest of her friends.), and so as a virgin, she pretty much cannot and will not die in typical horror movies. Thus making her a likely hero.
Marty, on the other hand, is the druggy of the group, the one who never really survives, being that the rules of a horror film are that if you do drugs you will not survive. Marty goes above and beyond this and does somehow live. He is a druggy but yet triumphs with only a few cuts and bruises, well done you.
Similar to Marty, You're Next breaks a fair few old horror rules too...a woman actually fighting back. A family go to a big house for some fun times and end up being picked off one by one – sounds normal enough, except there is one hell of a twist andddddd, a woman saving the day. Whoaaaaa, no damsel in distress here. Turns out Erin had been taught to fight and knew self defence and could literally kick the killers butts.
Gone in this film are all the woman just screaming, falling over and getting their boobs out – well, the first two of that list are in it, just not with Erin. Ever seen someone kill someone with a blender? No, well then you are missing out and obviously have not seen this.
What a good film Feast is. What a good, underrated film Feast is. And what a slap in the face it is too. First off, it is a good story, with basically a small town stuck in a bar while being hunted down by monsters, second off, you cannot hate the characters, each is original and the names of them are insane.
Such as Hot Wheels and Tuffy, who are the survivors of Feast. But why are they on this list I hear you say? Well, Feast is a clever film, as soon as the monsters attack, in walks the Hero, literally a guy called 'Hero' walks in to save the day...only to be pulled out the window and killed. Whoops. So, the likely hero is dead and left are the unlikely ones – Hot Wheels and Tuffy, who both help save the day, with no thanks to the Hero...
Technically, some would not count this as a full horror film, it’s like a kids horror film, it does have some scary moments but it is, after all, a family film. The main thing is though, it is a technically a horror film and Jim Evers is a very unlikely hero.
The Evers family are real estates who decide that the, (not known to them), Haunted Mansion, would be perfect to sell, but obviously without knowing the secrets inside its walls. Not only is the house haunted, by bad and good spirits, the owner thinks Jim's wife is his dead wife and wants her for himself. So many problems!
All of this not making the time spent here easy for Jim, or his wife or his kids, for one, it was his idea to go there in the first place, and not go straight to their family holiday... Kinda putting all the blame right on you, Jim, man. Jim has to step up and save his family, he was one of those knobs that only really cared about his work... until he came across zombies, green floating heads and ghosts. You strange hero, you.
And Jim is played by Eddie Murphy, who is known for comedy, so not the common horror hero either to be fair…
Heading back to an old classic here, and one of the first movies to really start off the whole zombie/walking dead craze; Night of the Living Dead. Basic story of zombies attacking the world, but one of the first of its time, and that makes it brave to start with. What also makes it brave is the hero of the film, and what he looks like.
Now, I am going by the typical rules of horror here, rules that aren't right, but still typical rules that everyone knows about horror like the virgin survives, or never to say “I'll be right back”. One typical rule is that anyone black in the film dies normally first, or at least doesn't live long. In Night of the Living Dead, Ben comes along, a young black man who saves the day. I won't mention the twist, but let's just say, he saves the day but not the morning. And he is black. It shouldn't be an unlikely thing, but it is in horror.
So Ben, for something that is fairly wrong, but is taken as harmless, you made the list.
This is a list of very unlikely heroes, as stated, and no more unlikely than one that is dead and slowly decomposing. An American Werewolf in London is about two friends, one gets killed by a werewolf and the other is turned into one, while also falling in love and trying to ignore the fact that he gets hairy every full moon.
Now, as there are two friends, and David is the main character, surely he must be the hero in this film? Nope. He's the last remaining werewolf, the killer and so the villain of the movie, technically. And not the unlikely hero in my eyes, as much as it kills me to say that, I count Jack as one more. David is the main character, so is the obvious hero, but he is the killer, Jack is the one who actually breaks the news to him that he is in fact the last werewolf and has to kill himself. And keeps saying that to him, keeps reminding him, it's a bit like when my mum goes out and keeps reminding me the cat is out. And then texts me to remind me. And then rings me to make sure I got the text and that the cat is out.
Jack is a lot like a mother, a scary mother but a mother at that. He keeps coming back, more and more decomposing and with the people David has killed in his hairy reigns as a werewolf – smart move Jack. All leading to David feeling pretty damn guilty, and Jack, pretty much, saving the day, even if he does smell pretty bad and not look too good either.
Cockneys Vs Zombies is a highly underrated movie, a film that is actually good when it has a bad sounding name, like Snakes on a Train, is a bad film and it sounds bad, this is not that type. It pretty much is about what it says on the tin, zombies attack the earth and we follow some londoners, or Cockneys as called here, who save the day. The Cockneys are a mixture of bank robbers, their hostages from the bank and some OAPS from an old peoples home – doesn't it sound brilliant?
So, zombies attack and they are fought off by some criminals, who started the day just robbing a bank, some innocent people who just wanted their money from said bank, and OAPs who just wanted to do whatever older people want to do in a nursing home – maybe sleep? Cue a whole load of learning how to fight, because the characters are kind of realistic in that they don't know how to fight, zombie killing, and some zimmer frames... Who ever thought heroes would have zimmer frames…?
Yet another underrated, but brilliant movie, Tucker and Dale Vs Evil, which, I must admit, is a little more difficult to explain than any other movie on this list. Tucker and Dale are holidaying in their little holiday home, when a bunch of teens come along and shake it up a little – basically. It's a very clever film that needs to be seen to be fully taken in, Tucker and Dale are made to look like the typical hillbilly killers, except, they are not. They are trying to help the group, even saving them in the end, when the friends are actually accidentally killing themselves. Again, as I said, it needs to be seen to be fully understood.
Teens fall into giant shredders, Tucker and Dale try and pull them out but are seen to be pushing them in, teens run away from a Tucker and Dale welding a chainsaw, warning them about bees, and run slap bang into a tree, impaling themselves. Comedy genius.
Everyone sees them as the killers, yet, Tucker and Dale are the friendliest, nice as pie guys, ever. Never judge book by its cover, guys. Never.
And number one goes to the most unlikely hero ever, in any horror film, a normal guy, with a normal job, who has messed up a bit, like us all – Shaun, from Shaun of the Dead.
Another zombie film, where the normality has to stand up and fight, the normality being Shaun. Shaun, who works in retail, whose relationship has just broken up and who spends his time on his butt watching TV and playing video games. Like all of us. If there was ever a character normal people could relate to, it was him. And he had to stand up and save his mum, his stepdad, his friends, and his ex and he did it.
Shaun should be an inspiration for us all, he has no special talents, he can't fight, he sells TVs for a living and he is single as anything – yet, he beats all the zombies, with a little help, but we won't hold him to that as it is right at the end. Oh, and he does in fact get the girl.
What an inspiration to us all! Let us all get off our sofas, off our butts, and fight zombies if they ever come.
I vote Shaun for Prime Minister. #shaunforprimeminister.
Now, by sidekicks, I mean people you wouldn't want to be stuck with in a horror film with... You want to survive, and these people really would not help you one bit...
I have a few obvious people in my head, but I'm going to shock you by surprising you with this first one...Rosemary from Rosemary's Baby! I know, a weird one, right?
The reason she is on here is because she is useless in this film, really really down right useless. She has pretty much no idea what is going on half the time, even when she has suspicion about what is going on and the neighbours. Her partner has some idea of weird things going on too, but he also doesn't do anything about it. He actually just forgets about it and just thinks she's mad.
Now, by this point, I know it sounds like the partner is the bad one as she is saying things are weird and he is the one ignoring her, but she is the one who has worked some of it out and doesn't act on it. She has all these ideas at the end, but doesn't do anything. Guy is pretty much gone and brainwashed, so he stands no chance, but she has one, she could escape.
But nope, she eats the food that she is sure isn't right and stays in that same apartment with her crazy neighbours, and surprise, is pregnant by the Devil... Nah..
This is the most obvious one on this list I would say, going from my most hated items and characters in horror films, and was meant for this list. This next one is going to be a fair picks, as they are all pretty similar. Off the bat, these entries aren't going to be that helpful, but people still get stuck with them in films.. Life is a bitch..
This entry is Kids. Kids are useless, so insanely useless and terrible and just nah, in horror films. The only good thing is they can fit into small spaces if need be - but sometimes they even bugger that up.
The first kid in this little entry, is Rachel from the new War of the Worlds, who literally spends the entire time screaming and crying. Before you say it, "that's a normal reaction from a child when aliens invade", yes, that might be so, but its still annoying. She doesn't have Tom Cruise in this at all, she's a brat and he is trying his best to keep her and her snotty but hot brother safe and neither could give a monkey's about him. She just screams and wants her horrible mum and strops... I would have literally left her behind..
Talking of leaving kids behind, her parents should have left this next one behind when they moved house. This is Sally from the new version of Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, and the reason I actually almost gave up on this film and hated it. Sally was so awful, I hated this film because of her, I literally could not stand her, she was just a selfish little child. She grassed someone up at some point and got them in trouble, she was nosey and she just wouldn't keep herself to herself. She would be told to stay away and she knew to, and to not get mixed up with the scary monsters, but no, she just couldn't help herself. Silly Sally.
I could go on and on about how I hate kids in horror films, and how awful and slow they tend to be, but I feel this is long enough on them, so to end this little section I will leave it with one of my most hated characters in all of horror history, so much so, my close friend got me a toy of him for Christmas as a very good joke... Carl from The Walking Dead. I literally hate this kid, ever since I started watching the show, I hated him. He is just a cocky little thing or will not do as he is told, he always has to do what he feels and wants to do, even if that means putting everyone in danger.
Back at the beginning of the show, you might have put it down to him being a young child and stress of the zombies and all sorts and hoped and assumed he would grow out of it.. Has he heck?! Only a few episodes he was running away trying to fight Negan. Stupid boy, listen to your dad and sit still!
Eleanor in The Haunting, the original one, is my next person on this list, as similar to everyone on this list, she does bugger all the entire film. She screams, she runs, if she sees a spirit she will just there and scream, waiting for someone, mainly a man, to come save her. And then I'm pretty sure she crashes into a tree at the end of the movie... for no reason. She really was not helpful and just writing this annoys me...
This has become a longggggg list. My bad. The last ones I couldn't find an exact film for it or an exact character for it, so this is just an all round one, all the cliche women in horror films who scream and fall over when they run - you know the ones I mean. But saying that, I wouldn't want to be with them in a horror film, but I don't mind them in horror films... The rest, I enjoyed less...
And I am not even getting started on the kid from The Badadook... That screaming brat.